Guilt is an Underrated Emotion
Take a moment to appreciate just how ridiculous it is that I’m blogging from rural Zambia. I’m beaming these words up to a satellite and down to your computer screen, while I sit on an ant hill staring at a row of outhouses because no one here has running water. Yes, technology is incredible, but that’s not my point. I want you to feel the disparities present here and my resulting guilt in carrying around this pricy piece of equipment, in a place where families can only afford basic shelter with the support of Habitat.
The only reason I’ve been able to blog at all from Kawama is that the one family we found here that could afford electricity has been kind enough to allow me to recharge my laptop and modem in their home. The luxury of power outlets makes them one of the, if not the, wealthiest families in Kawama, where others rely on candlelight or nothing at all. Yet, even the most financially fortunate in Kawama lack immunity to the problems plaguing rural areas of Zambia. When we went to that house a few days ago, no one came to answer the door after repeated knocking. We found the door unlocked and when we opened it to see if anyone was home, we saw the father of the family slowly moving toward the door. Since it doesn’t take but a few seconds to reach any point in these small, 4 room Habitat homes, we knew there was something wrong. After greeting him, we found our answer: he apologized for taking so long and explained softly that it was because he was suffering from malaria. Despite his struggles with a disease that needlessly kills so many when it is so cheaply preventable, he still let me charge my items and we agreed that I would pick them up in about an hour.
As if that wasn’t enough to bring me down to earth, while the electronics charged I went with the rest our group back to the house we’re staying in. It’s the same size, has the same layout and doesn’t even have the electricity his family does. What it has, however, are a web of malaria nets and 12 bottles full of preventive malaria medicine. That’s what we went back to the house for and that’s when those feelings of guilt came crashing down. Even the wealthiest Kawamans couldn’t afford those things and we had brought all of it for only a few weeks (the nets will at least be left behind for the community). This coupled with the shopping carts we filled with 2.5 million Kwacha worth of groceries—so Habitat could provide us with 3.5 meals a day in a community where malnutrition is an issue—mean that the differences are clear and tough to stomach.
I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’m here to help and it’s not my fault directly that there are these problems. I should understand that these issues are complex and nearly impossible to correct and not let this wave of guilt wash over an otherwise wonderful journey. With that said, I’ve chosen to embrace this feeling because I think that guilt is a really useful emotion: it pushes us to do right when we see something that’s wrong. It reminds us, as Desmond Tutu said, that “freedom is indivisible,” and that my life, liberty and pursuit of happiness are all bound to those of others, whether they live next door or on the other side of the world. The feelings of guilt are a way of feeling and expressing a bit of that burden felt by those we encounter, who didn’t have the luck we privileged few did in what Bill Gates termed the “ovarian lottery.”
So, what do I hope to do with the guilt now that I’ve accepted it? Put it to work. Understand that I don’t have to solve the problem (and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to), but that I must be a part, however small, of the solution. Can I find a way to forgo a few purchases and buy a malaria net with every $10 I save? Can I spread awareness of this problem and the people working to fight it with others and, by sharing my guilt, motivate action beyond myself? I think so, but only if I choose to own these unpleasant feelings rather than block them out of my privileged world.
The beauty of this story is that the technology that brought about this guilt also makes it so that these people are now only 1 click away from all of you. Before this kind of access, it was easier to not think about those in far away places with problems that are many and hard to comprehend, but we’re getting closer to the point where we won’t be able to ignore them any more.